


ceci n'est pas un cheval

by carminesunset



Series: of horses and quiches [2]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Gen, Humor, hentai boob physics, quich-é puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-07 09:18:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20307112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carminesunset/pseuds/carminesunset
Summary: When Neil left for the countryside, he left something behind.





	ceci n'est pas un cheval

**Author's Note:**

> thank u to chloe and nicky :)  
y'all can blame those two for enabling me :)

Neil Josten was a perfect tenant. Quiet, paid his rent on time, and never missed a chance to stop by for a cup of tea. So when he sends her a notice that he would be moving out, she is sad to see him go. But he is young, and she knows that there are bigger places in the world for him out there. It’s hard to ignore the fact that he never has company, never leaves his apartment except to go to work or to run errands.

The landlady, like any other well-meaning grandma, decides to make a quiche for her favorite tenant as a last goodbye.

The quiche in question was formed under capable hands, with simple but delicious ingredients: eggs, cheese, spinach, and healthy pinches of salt and pepper. The landlady poured all of her energy from the day’s frustrations into every quiche she has ever made, and this time is no different. It’s not Neil’s fault that the city was sucking the life out of him. She whisks together the eggs. With Neil gone, the next tenant is likely to be a menace; anyone would be, compared to him. She stirs in the cheese and spinach. She wishes, oh how she wishes that it was the noisy tenant leaving. She finishes off the quiche with salt and pepper.

Some have asked her how she manages to stay peaceful and calm when many of her tenants were sure to cause homicidal tendencies in any other landlord. Well, this is her secret: she is _always _angry, but releases it all into her baked goods.

The quiche goes into the oven, fluttering with the weight of her emotion. 

Neil was not wrong when he thought the quiche was dangerous. But the moments before he threw it away, it was not dangerous to _ him. _

But this story isn’t about Neil. This is about a quiche.

-

This quiche is different from all the other quiches the Landlady had ever made. It trembles with emotion and froths with sensation. Neil Josten cracks open the lid, and the quiche — nay, the _ Quiche _ — experiences its first taste of the outside world.

Never before had a quiche traveled this far out of the Landlady’s domain. 

Neil Josten wrinkles his nose and closes the lid, sealing it in once again. No! No! Please!, the Quiche wants to beg. It was _ so close _.

It jostles and jiggles as it is tossed onto the car seat. Away, farther and farther they drive, and the Quiche is left hoping that it would once again be set free. 

The car slows, then rolls to a stop. The Quiche feels hope rise in its crust. Could this be…? Would the Quiche finally be set free from its confines? Would it finally be able to experience the Outside World, where no quiche had ever set crust before?

The Quiche is picked up and tossed onto the side of the road. It bounces twice before the lid pops off from the force of its departure. 

No!, the Quiche cries. Don’t leave me to burn and rot in this unforgiving heat!

But Neil Josten drives on, uncaring. For he is just a human and the Quiche is just a quiche.

Where once the outside air was a boon, it is now a death sentence for the poor Quiche. Its insides begin to curdle. A curious fly lands on its belly, feasting on its tasty morsels.

The Quiche, once a humble quiche, was made of eggs. It was imbued with negative emotion. Eggs are truly the fruit of life — 

And that is how the Quiche came to life.

The Quiche broils with fury at its lot in life — baked, only to not be eaten; taken, only to be tossed at the first chance. 

Curse you, Neil Josten!, the Quiche shouts. Or it would shout, if it had a mouth. Instead it quivers violently.

It bounces out of its container with all the enthusiasm of bad hentai boob physics. It would take days, but it was determined to exact revenge on the one that abandoned it.

So it hopped and hopped to the ranch that it knew Neil would reside in.

Days (many, many days) later, it finally arrives at its destination. The trip was not without many obstacles, however. The Quiche fought off bird after bird. It left bits and pieces of its crust behind in its pursuit for revenge. Nothing could stop it. He hops closer to the main building of the ranch, and that’s when he sees him: 

Neil Josten, in all his evil glory, strolling to the stables as though he never had betrayed the Quiche. If the Quiche could curl its lip, it would. But it is a quiche, so it cannot.

The Quiche follows Josten into the stables.

“Hello, Andrew,” Josten says, greeting the only creature in the stable. The Quiche sidles closer. Soon it could attack. “Did you sleep well last night?“ The creature peeks over the stall and snags a carrot from Josten’s hand. From context, the Quiche could assume that the creature was a being called a “horse”. The Quiche being a quiche, however, did not know that a horse with a head of a human was not normal. So it dismisses the horse from its mind and resumes watching its target.

Josten stretches briefly, and pulls off his jacket to tie around his waist. It succeeds in exposing more skin for the Quiche to attack.

One strike on Josten’s bare skin, and it would poison him with its rotten insides. The Quiche was so close! It crept closer… and closer… The Quiche readies to jump.

Josten flips up the hem of his shirt to wipe his brow.

Now!

The Quiche leaps into the air. The best pole vaulter in history could not have matched the enthusiasm of this quiche. It does a kickflip, then an ollie, and finally finishes off with a 180 backflip!

A mouth filled with blunt teeth clamps down around it, crushing its crust into bits. The Quiche was wrong to ignore the horse. It was a force of nature that the Quiche had never experienced before. Or more accurately, it was a _ horse _of nature. There is a reason why cars are measured in horsepower… The birds and the flies had nothing on the power of the horse’s teeth as it chewed through the Quiche with efficiency.

My revenge… whispers the Quiche. But Neil Josten is a human, Andrew is a horse, and the Quiche is still a quiche. No one hears it speak for the last time as it is vored to death.

Andrew spits out the quiche onto the ground. “That was the worst thing I have ever eaten. Why did you give me that?”

“I didn’t give you anything,” Neil denies. He makes the mistake of looking into Andrew’s eyes.

Deeper and deeper he falls, are you sure about that?, the quiche had too much cheese, why is Andrew a horse?, he blinks and the quiches begins to violently tremble, it must be a living one but no quiches shouldn’t move, this must be a — 

A sharp pain in Neil’s stomach wakes him up, and he groans. He slips off the bed to stagger over to the bathroom.

Andrew wakes up to blearily look at him. “I told you that you shouldn’t have had that macaroni and cheese. You’re lactose intolerant for fuck’s sake.”

Neil groans louder from the porcelain throne. “But it’s _ cheese _, Andrew! How can I resist cheese!”

He briefly wonders what his dream was about, but the details are swiftly swept away by the pain in his gut.

**Author's Note:**

> the sequel no one asked for.  
(find me on tumblr @ mokuuton)  
nicky: "i'm surprised there wasn't more vore"


End file.
